A shinobi is a high school student like an other - 15

‘please someone help me--take away my loneliness please someone fill me--take away my emptiness please someone touch me--take away my longing and please someone, please someone…’ - Thursday, Into The Blinding Light

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I woke up with my face snuggled against a warm neck, my arm around a toned waist. As soon as I opened my eyes, I closed them back to enjoy best Iruka's warmth against my body, both of us curled up under a cocoon of sheets and blankets. I sank a bit more into the blankets - outside the bed, it was definitively Not Warm Enough To Get Up.

The muffled like silence, and the lazily bleak light coming from the window which couldn't light fully the room, were characteristic of days after snowfalls.

A car passed the street, making a sloshing noise. Iruka was still sleeping, breathing deep and slow - I could feel his heart beating in rhythm with his slow breathes against my face and under my hand. Peace had to feel like that.

I would have liked to stay like this some more, mind happily blank, Iruka against me, tucked in a cocoon that was protecting us from everything coming from the world, safe, but my bladder protested. I mentally groaned.

I opened my eyes for good this time, getting ready to slide stealthily out of bed to avoid to wake Iruka up. I half smiled when I saw on his neck the marks of the night - I had to have as beautiful marks as his on my neck, if not worse, if his were showing this much on his rather tanned skin. With a mud as white as mine, mines would be seen from miles away. I smiled more. And then I frowned, when my eyes fall upon the marks on his neck into the hesitant morning light. Not the kind of marks left by a crazy night of fun - those were on his neck. Those other marks, even if I couldn't see them really well right now, were definitively not marks done for fun and games. They were strangely pale against his skin, too clear, too straight - it looked like it had been done by a knife. There were others, making creased little circles into the skin, like it was burns... and I had seen enough things to know that those burns were cigarettes' burns.

What had happened to him? I frowned while silently sliding from the bed, using all my stealth's skills. As an answer to my move, Iruka sank a little deeper into the blankets to compensate the warmth I was taking away. I guess I would have to ask one day or another.

The bathroom - it would be more accurate to said 'my' bathroom - is just the door next to my room, and I never close any door inside the house - no need to close them. So there was no door to open and no noise to make.

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I guess this is the right time for some explanations...

I never got headaches over trying to know in which category I had to get myself into, if I was straight, homo or bisexual. I couldn't see the interest of losing sleep over something like that - sex is sex. There wasn't much more behind. I don't think I've already said that my very dear late father - that was dripping with irony, beware of the drops - had raised me in true ninja ... 'the body is a tool', 'a shinobi is a weapon', and other sayings of the same kind.

That's to said that already in the beginning, I don't have a very classic approach of sexuality. My 'first time' so dear to cheap soppy romances had little to do with romantic and soppy feelings. It was the last thing my target ever did. The weeks that followed, Obito and Rin kept an eye on me as if they were afraid I would break like some glass figure right in front of them. It never happened.

Then... then Obito died. Ah, forgive me. Obito was killed. I think that I can say I met the bottom at that time. I did a lot of things ; a lot of fucking bad things, a lot of shit. I, namely, touched to everything that had two paws and no feathers, to use the formula Socrate used to refer to the human being... I'd rather not come back too much on this time.

Then, last year, Kurenai pushed me into the (waiting) arms of one of her friend, saying I definitely needed a girlfriend. The girl was nice and totally off her rockers. We stayed together for two months.

What exactly came out of all this? The realization that I was a human being, with feelings, emotions and desires - and also that given a choice, I like a male sample of the human specie better.

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I left the bathroom, a stupid grin plastered on my face. A glance in the mirror had been enough to confirm my earlier doubts - the love bits and other marks were visible, very very visible, on my very white skin. I caught myself hoping I wouldn't have to use the showers of the lockers room at the HQ before a few days. I could already imagine Genma's reaction... and I could happily live without it.

I stepped back into my room - a bundle of clothes was oddly buzzing next to the door. I jumped on it before the phone that had to be under it began to buzz louder and wake Iruka, currently warped into the bed.

The number calling was Rin's. I breathed, and fished my boxers and jeans which had landed a long way away from the bed - I would have liked better to go back into the warm bed, but Rin never called without a good reason. I put my clothes on, trying to find a little warmth.

I gently closed the door behind me, to not disturb Iruka's sleep, and I slide down the wall to the floor into the corridor, the windows on either side of the floor as the only light. The phone was reading 9.37 am. I sighed. Last night had been... rather emotion-packed - I was gonna say it like that. The part ... more 'usual' for an eighteen years old brat had made me forget all the shit, at least for a while ; had made me forget which kind of life I was living... Rin and my 'secret life' were coming back too quickly.

Wait... since when was I thinking about my life as two separate ones?

I passed my hands on my face. I was fucking way too early to have big existential questions about my life.

I opened my phone, and called back Rin before she did. She answered at once.

"[Kakashi, you're finally answering!]"

"Rin, it's Sunday. As in 'no class', 'sleep as long as you can'..." I knew, just by hearing her, that she was relived.

"[I... I was scared you... well, with what little Raidou told me about the night, I was worried about you.]"

"No need to worry Mum, everything's fine."

Yep, everything was damn right fine. There was someone in my bed, someone I was kinda drawn to, and who was 'drop dead gorgeous' and knew how to use it.

I wasn't going to elaborate, and especially explain that to her over the phone. She worried enough for everyone. Speaking of everyone...
"Say hello to Rai' for me," I say, with a smile I knew she would manage to hear.

I was waiting for stuttering, half-formed excuses. None of that. Her voice, over the phone, became smaller and ... more sad?

"[Kakashi... Raidou and me... does... does it bother you?]"

"What? No, of course no!" I was much more louder that at the beginning of the conversation, almost screaming. I continued more gently. "I'm really really happy for you two. Why do you think you being happy would bother me?"

"[I... Kakashi...]" She seemed ready to burst into tears - I always hated seeing or hearing her cry. "[I feel like I'm betraying him...]"

There was no need between us to said to who 'him' was referring. I unfolded my legs into the empty corridor, putting my head against the wall behind me.

"Rin... I don't think Obito would have liked you to live only for his memory - I think he would have wanted you to go on with your life... you to continue smile and laugh..."

I could hear her snort softly, as discreetly as she could. She was crying.

"[Oh... I'm sorry Kakashi...]" She made a kind of little laugh between sobs. "[I'm calling you just to be consoled...]"

"'T's nothing, I'm doing it to you all the time... each in turn huh? And well, you could have found worse than Rai'."

She laughed again, with more emotion.

"[That's too true... See you later Kakashi... and thank you.]"

"See you Rin."

The line biped. I stared at the mute phone in my hands. Yeah. There was worse than Raidou around. Raidou and Rin... I was truly happy that those two had finally admitted their feelings to each other. Life was moving on. I had been totally honest to Rin, saying I was happy for them, and that she wasn't betraying anyone by continuing with her life... but it wasn't making the barely scarred wound in my heart sting less, nor wasn't it making the strange void left by Obito ache less.

The light filtering through the windows was whiter and blanker than when I had got up. Going back to bed, to Iruka, was sounding more and more like a genius' idea.

I got up from the floor, and opened the door to my room. I dropped the phone unto the bundle of clothes from which I had picked it up earlier, and walked to the bed. The only hints for the presence of one human being under the covers were the long dark tresses laying out on the pillow, and the human-sized heap of blankets.

The trembling human-sized heap of blankets. I half-sit on the bed in front of it, frowning in concern.

"Iruka?"

He didn't reply, even if he was awake - I could tell by the rhythm of his breath. Rather the rhythm of his sobs - his very soft and very restrained sobs. I reached for the blankets hiding him. He curled up on himself at the touch, tensing.

"Iruka... what's wrong?"

Tears were running freely and silently on his tanned cheeks, barely pausing at the edge of the scar. I was totally at a loss in front of his tears. What was wrong?

"Are you too going to beat me?"

I nearly missed his voice, lost in the silent sobs and muffled as it was by the blankets around. My eyes widened, and my heart skipped a beat. What the hell?

"What? What'cha talking 'bout? I won't hurt you!"

Tears ran even more. I laid in front of him to be able to look at him in the eyes - his chocolate warm brown eyes. His closely shut eyes. I gently slide my hands on either side of his face, very very gently when he tried to recoil from the touch, and I wiped his tears with the tips of my thumbs. I didn't know what to say, what to do. It hurt to see him like that.

"Iruka... tell me... tell me what I have to do..."

He opened his eyes - they were red and puffy - and I don't know what he saw on my face, but the next moment he had buried his face against my chest and slang his arms tightly around me ; and I could feel the dampness of his tears against my bare skin. I put my arms around him, running gently a hand along his spine... I think... I think I didn't really need to ask to know where the marks on his back were from.

I held him for a long time, almost rocking him.

"'m sorry..." he said against my chest. I had thought he had gone back to sleep, curled against me. I wouldn't have mind.

"Huh? Sorry about what?"

He buried his face a little more against my chest. I passed my hand through his hair, aware that he wasn't going to answer.

"Iruka... you know... if you need anything... if you just need to talk about anything... 'm willing to listen - I'm not in position to judge anyone about anything."

The atmosphere had taken a way too serious and heavy turn. Where had gone the peace from earlier? It wasn't exactly like that I had thought about, when thinking of spending morning-turning-midday with Iruka. Truth to be told, I hadn't thought about it at all. I traced his jaw line with ghost-like kisses.

"What do you think of breakfast in bed, hum?"

I felt him smile.

"We could get up too..."

It was my time to smile.

"Aah, I don't think so... I'm afraid we wouldn't be able to eat... kitchen hold stuff so diverting when used right..."

"You perv."

I smiled, not caring I wasn't hidden behind a collar or anything else. He smiled too, before I put my lips on his in a chaste kiss that turned not so chaste.

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When I climbed back up with a tray I had found back kami-only-knew-how, heavy with fruit juice, cookies and not quite too dry bread, Iruka was sitting up, a frame in hand. I took me a second before I recognized it, the time to put the tray in a hazard balance on the bed. I was so used to see this particular frame that I wasn't really  noticing it anymore.

I put my chin on his bare shoulder, to look at the picture in his hands, as if seeing it for the first time.

Almost everyone was on this pict... I didn't even remember when it had been taken. There was Obito, and Rin, Raidou, Genma, me in the middle. There was Tsunade too, and yes, the thing in Sensei's arms was Naruto. I smiled against the warm skin.

"... It's your family?"

"In a way... I don't have any picture of my parents."

I named every person in the picture, just as he had done for his picture a week earlier - speaking about them with warmth, describing Genma and his bullshit, Naruto and his unconditional love to ramen. I never had the opportunity to share this before. Iruka listened to me, smiling. And then he gently put back the frame over my bed.

His hand on my face caught me by surprise - he slide his fingers along my discovered jaw line, along my lips. I tensed when he slowly treaded his fingers with the gray locks falling in my face.

"Kakashi... can I?" he asked. An instant passed. Then I slowly nodded. He had already seen yesterday - or very early this morning. Why bother with continue to hide it... I closed my eyes.

He gently pushed aside the locks hiding the left part of my face. I heard him gasp. I knew what he was seeing. From the cheekbone to the eyebrow, the skin was irregular, a mess of pinkish scar tissues - it looked a bit like Raidou's visible burns' scar on his face, but fire hadn't been the cause. It had been chakra. There were also scars of cuts which had badly healed - cuts done by the mask which had exploded upon impact. In the middle of all this was running a single straight sharp-looking scar - a surgical scar.

I opened both eyes to look at the man in front of me. His eyes widened. I knew what he was seeing now too : a light gray eye on the right, a demonic red eye on the left - Obito's last present to me.

"What... what happened?"

I took his hand in mine, letting my hair fall back in place, and then I gave him a lopsided grin - as if saying 'it's nothing'.

"A fight that went ugly, it's nothing..."

I could say myself that my voice hadn't sounded right. I put the tray over our knees.

"Breakfast?"

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It was only later, when we finished fighting with the finally too dry bread, and that we made it to the bathroom for what supposed to be only a quick shower - how could I have kept my hands for me? He got pretty muscles everywhere, and a toned body... - that I realized that I had deliberately broken the orders issued to him three years ago.

All right, it had become less and less of an order, and more and more of a personal choice, and beside I was hiding my eye from everyone - even Zabuza didn't know, and he was my teammate.

But now Iruka had seen it...

Seems like he was important enough.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo End fifteenth part oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo



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